Background: I have a lot of fat/food/health baggage. I’m 5’5 and 190lbs; I know it could be worse, but in my athletic days, my “fighting weight” where I felt comfortable, happy, and strong was 130lbs. I’ve had some serious health issues and major negative life events in the past two years, which gave me an “excuse” to indulge in pre-existing bad habits. Everything compounded and here I am, having gained 60lbs in that relatively short period of time.
I’ve had terrible anxiety and shame over this body of mine. Even when I was in shape, the gym felt like a nightmare to me because of the presence of other people; I’ve always had social anxiety. But things have become an all new level of hell. I’ve been gaining weight so quickly that my need to buy larger clothes outpaces my paycheck; my wardrobe has become extremely limited and I’m extremely self-conscious any time I go into public. I don’t know how to dress this body well, let alone in the few clothes that I own and can still shimmy my way into. I constantly feel judged and apologetic; like because of my lack of discipline which everyone can see in the form of my fat, I don’t have the same right to public spaces. Like I should be shut up at home, hiding in the dark where I belong. I’m incredibly self-conscious and it is so glaringly obvious to bystanders. I used to be a runner; now I can’t even bring myself to take my dogs for a walk in our neighborhood because I feel so ashamed of my body and what I’ve done to it. I feel like I have to apologize to those with healthier bodies for being in their space.
I know this isn’t healthy; I know my fears are greatly exaggerated in my head. It’s something I’m working on diligently through self-growth and professional therapy. So I know this. It is still a massive struggle. It’s keeping me from losing weight because I feel like I can’t go into the world to burn off calories.
I was really into rollerblading as a kid. I stopped doing it in high school, but I’ve always wanted to take it back up. A few days ago I wound up the courage to go into a sporting goods store and buy a pair of inline skates. I’ve asked my boyfriend to go with me to the local skate park; there’s a separate paved walking trail that winds around a pond and it’s usually not a very high-trafficked area; maybe one or two other people might be using it at the same time. So we’ve gone twice to use the path, him on his bike and me on my rollerblades.
This is huge in and of itself. I haven’t skated in 15+ years; I’m awkward and clumsy and graceless and I’ve fallen. In front of people. But it’s okay. I took this body of mine and I went in a place where people could see me and I did a thing I was less than perfect at. I did it.
This morning, boyfriend was sleeping in after being up all night working on a home improvement project. I left him, loaded myself and my skates into my car, and drove myself to the park. I rolled around the pond, passed more people than usual (I guess a lot of people are probably trying to walk off their Thanksgiving indulgences). I did it, alone. I didn’t cringe every time I passed another person. I didn’t want to quip “Sorry!” when I met an oncoming in-shape jogger; I didn’t feel bad or worry that they were looking at my love handles I went around a speed-walking athletic couple.
For the first time, I felt like I had just as much right to be there as everyone else. I’ve never posted here before, but I’ve lurked for a long time even before I joined Reddit and I just wanted to share, to maybe give someone else hope, just like so many of the stories I’ve read here that have given me hope.
TL;DR: horrible shame and anxiety over fat body; feel like I don’t have the same right to be in public as a healthy person. Bought rollerblades, skated in a public park and wasn’t completely ashamed and didn’t break down in tears.
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