I'm afraid of losing weight and being attractive and it's keeping me from committing 100% and losing weight. But I also hate being in my fat body.

I've been lurking and trying to lose weight for awhile now. I keep trying, my best streak was losing 20lbs, but I gained it back.

I hate being fat. I'm disgusted with my body, I'm ashamed being around other people. My bf is fat as well, and even though he tells me I'm beautiful and we still have great sex, I still feel like the way I look effects us sexually in other ways. But idk if I'm just being paranoid.

Onto the problem. I'm scared of losing weight. I'm scared of being attractive. I've had a number of bad experiences with men. Small amounts of physical abuse when I was a kid. First bf lied and manipulated me so I would date him, did some weird/creepy stuff, hurt me once, and when I broke up with him he had his friends sexually harass me at work. Second bf raped me, sexually abused me, emotionally abused me. And I was raped by an acquaintance. I have a lot if fear issues around men, and I feel like being fat at least reduces my chances of further bad experiences. I still have the occasional attention, sometimes it's pleasant and is a confidence boost, but I still get creepy and bothersome stuff too. Both are pretty rare and I know if I was attractive like I used to be it would be more frequent and I can't deal with that.

I try to lose weight, and have problems with stress/emotional eating. I will do well, but then get impulsive and think "well, I may be failing, but at least I will still have my safety blanket of fatness if I give in. Fuck it, I can't deal with creeps, it's better to be fat." Which thing I care about, weight loss or my fear, varies from day to day and mood to mood.

I've had therapists, I've done individual and group therapy. Not currently in it because I feel like I know everything they'll say and tell me to do, and it's not working anymore. I progressed for awhile, then felt like I hit a plateau. I'm on meds as well, which also has helped but not enough. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel hopeless and lost.

I also have medical issues that make weight loss and exercise more difficult, so I feel like that's just another hurdle that makes it all harder.

I just wanted to get this off my chest, and see if anyone else can relate or have advice.

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