I've struggled with depression & anxiety my whole life, and while I'm getting that under control I think the biggest thing that's kept my weight up is entitlement.
Through all of my struggles, I eat poorly because "I'm allowed to".
Whether it's because I've just been to the gym or for a bike ride, I ate a healthy dinner so deserve a reward. I've had a tough day so I'm allowed to make myself feel better. I'm going out with friends so I deserve to spoil myself. I smoke weed & get the munchies, of course I'm going to eat more than usual.
No matter what the situation is, I give myself permission to unhealthy food options. And if it's not food, it's something else.
I identified the trend with alcohol, and gave it up. It was not only fueling bad sleep patterns, but of course my depression and weight gain from being hung over & eating badly to fix it.
In regards to weed, I've given that up now, too. I was smoking almost every night, and eating worse than poorly every night. I'd make an effort to have a healthy dinner, and then justify the extra level of junk food (more than I'd usually snack on) because of the munchies.
I got to a point with both alcohol & weed where I'd make myself sick, or almost. I'd get home from work, justify my poor decisions and commit to them completely to the point where I was either drunk by 7pm or wondering whether my next bite would be the one to make me rush to the bathroom to throw up.
No matter how I want to try and spin it, this is NOT healthy and I need to do better. It's making me fatter than I'd like, sadder than I need to be, and there's no excuse I can make to justify it.
Except the weed. I started smoking around the same time that I started on antidepressants. So I think I was justifying my actions because at least I was happier than I was before. I was blind sighted and that's on me.
I've never been great at cooking. It's not that I can't, just that I don't like it. So I happily justify poor choices by walking the supermarket aisles and putting some healthy things into my basket of junk food. Because buying a basket of sugar would be really sad.
So with this new information and motivation, I've kicked both habits. Cold turkey on alcohol and weed. I keep thinking "you've had a few good days, treat yourself" and then realise that this is exactly what got me to where I am.
With my new found feelings (thanks antidepressants!) I tried to make myself go vegan. Animals deserve life etc. And while I haven't strictly adhered to it, it's given me enough of a break from sugary foods (or, foods filled with sugar) that I'm just not craving it like I used to. "Plant based" is where I'm at right now.
Although I can obviously identify the bad foods (cookies etc) I didn't put much thought into everything else (milk, "healthy" snacks).
So combine a life of anxiety & depression, and trying to solve that through food. A single parent family who let me have whatever I wanted because life was easier that way. And nobody telling me otherwise... and here I am. Entitled to have whatever I want, whenever I want, because I didn't "know" any better.
I don't have any great goals for progression, just to do better by myself. Since I've started, I've lost 1kg and my mood & sleeping patterns are much more stable.
I want to lose a lot more weight. To get down to a healthy level where I'm not sweating by simply walking to the train (less than 1km). I want to have healthier skin. I want to have my emotions in check so I'm not up & down all day.
And to do any of that, I need to start by forgiving myself, and moving on. The only thing I DESERVE is a healthy life.
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