Yeah. it was THAT bad.
I've always been big. ever since I was a very young kid, I knew I was bigger and fatter than most kids. I suffered through a "fat-kid" childhood, and had two pretty lousy narcissistic/manic/bipolar parents who really didn't do much to raise me right . I had a nice health kick in the early 2000's and lost some weight then, but then I started dating and then married about the most amazing woman who also happened to be the greatest freaking cook. Which was great, but also horrible for me. she takes great pleasure in feeding me. So it was easy at that point to just let everything go.. and go.. and go. and go.. and my weight shot up by like 140-150 lbs.. then when we had our daughter. in 2011, that was the point when I finally quit smoking once and for all. that was the first time that I realized that I could change SOMETHING about myself. I didn't have to just keep being this person. A few years later I started Antidepressants for the first time, and it was like all of the blazing anxieties that had guided my thinking finally started to go silent. Starting Lexapro has led to two of the most psychologically "sound" and settled years of my life. It's like I'm going through a second wave-maturation process in my life that is finally putting to bed a lot of demons that I've been carrying around with me, and this.. this weight problem. my weight. It's just not reflective of who I am as a person and what I can offer to the world. It needed to change.
"515 lbs.." I finally saw that number written on the chart of the nurse the last time I went to the doctor. I knew it was finally time to change direction.
I've been using MyFitnessPal to maintain a calorie reduction threshold. and so far the weight has been coming off steadily. about two pounds a week, sometimes three if I'm really good. The one big hurdle for me in my household, though has been to figure out how to navigate a world where my wife makes INCREDIBLE luxuruous food and to not partake in it.. And actually after a while I've learned to just mostly tuneit out. I know what I can eat. I de-emphasize the amount of psychological reward that the food gives me. I focus on it's nutirtional benefit. I've worked hard in my own head to cut the pleasure out of it. I know that sounds wierd, but it's helped to just see food as fuel and not this sensory experience. I control that. and I've learned how to control it much better.
I think that's probably the one key part of my growth as I've gotten to this age in my life.. I am really focused on learning new ways to just exert control within myself. This is something that I never focused on. It's something that I just never gave any thought. Now I realize at this point in my life, it's everything..
I know I'll always be a big dude. even if I end up losing down to my weight goal. but it's nice to know that I've taken control of this thing that's always ALWAYS been a big flabby monkey on my back. It's nice to know that I have figured out the right way to put the proper emphasis on nutrition and health. It's a great feeling to know that I have control over this and that it doesn't control me. I just want to hurry up and get to the end of it so that I can see where I'll end up.
-> Learn the easy way to loose fat
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